ASTRONOMY / SPACE SCIENCE
Astronauts
What do astronauts like to read?
Comet books.
How does an astronaut hold up his pants?
With an asteroid belt.
What did the astronaut cook for lunch?
An unidentified frying object.
What’s another name for an astronaut?
A whirled traveler.
Famous author: “I understand that you read my book while you were in orbit.”
Astronaut: “I couldn’t put it down.”
Rockets / Space Stations / Telescopes
I see your telescope magnifies four times.
Uh oh, I’ve already used it three times.
Space Objects
How is food served on the moon?
In satellite dishes.
Traveler: I’d like a ticket for the next trip to the moon
Travel agent: I’m sorry but the moon is full now.
What did the critic say about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food but no atmosphere.
What is a Martian’s eyesight?
20-20-20.
Which planet is the smoggiest?
Pollute-o.
The college dean asked the astronomy professor, “Why don’t the students understand your class? The professor answered, “The subject is over their heads.”
A cave man sat up all night wondering where the Sun went.
It finally dawned on him.
BIOLOGY
Birds
Why do birds fly south?
It’s too far to walk.
A football landed in the chicken yard. The rooster went over to it and studied it a while. Then he said, “Ladies, I’m not complaining, but look at the work they’re turning out next door.”
Dinosaurs
Why didn’t dinosaurs wear watches?
They lived before the dawn of time.
DNA
What do you get when you cross a kangaroo and a snake?
A jump rope.
What do you get when you cross an eel with a goat?
An electric can opener.
Fish (and mammals that live in the ocean)
Why did the fisherman think the whale was sad?
Because he was all blubbery.
Why is fish brain food?
Because fish spend their lives in schools.
Humans
What do skeletons say before eating?
Bone-appetit.
What sign were you born under?
Maternity ward.
What is the name of the last teeth we get.
False teeth.
Doctor: Your cough sounds better today.
Patient: It should be, I practiced it all night.
Eat less and exercise more is the EPA recommendation for hazardous waists.
Insects
What do spiders eat with their hamburgers?
French flies.
Two centipedes were walking hand in hand… in hand… in hand…
One flea to another: “Shall we walk, or take a dog?”
Mammals
Where do cows go on dates?
To the mooovies.
Mr. and Mrs. Rabbit were being chased by wolves. “They are gaining on us, what shall we do?” asked Mrs. Rabbit.
“We’ll stop here for a while,” said Mr. Rabbit. “By the time they catch up, we’ll have them outnumbered.”
Horse sense is what keeps horses from betting on people.
Plants
What did the little pine tree say to the big pine tree?
“Stop needling me.”
What’s a tree’s favorite drink?
Root beer.
A woman heard that her neighbor was the grand prize winner in the local Garden Club. She asked, “How do you account for your success? Do you have a green thumb?”
Her neighbor said, “No. Just trowel and error.”
When does a farmer need a plumber?
When there are leeks in his garden.
I just got a lot of books on trees.
Where’d you get them?
From the branch library.
Protozoa
Why does the sheriff call his small town jail an amoeba?
Because it has only one cell.
Reptiles
How do snakes eat without any hands?
They have forked tongues.
CHEMISTRY
Chemistry
What is the benefit of nitrates?
They’re cheaper than day rates.
What is the chemical name for water?
HIJKLMNO
What?
You know, H to O.
If we breathe oxygen in the daytime, what do we breathe at night?
Nitrogen.
What breed of dog did the chemistry professor own?
A laboratory retriever.
EARTH SCIENCE
Atmosphere / Meteorology
My teacher said we’ll have a test today, rain or shine.
Then, why are you smiling?
It’s snowing.
Why does lightning shock people?
It doesn’t know how to conduct itself.
It’s raining cats and dogs. I just stepped in a poodle.
A man was complaining about the Weather Bureau: “I just shoveled eight inches of ‘partly cloudy’ off my driveway.”
Land / Geology
What did the glacier say to the Earth?
Let’s play freeze tag.
What kind of rocks are in the Great Lakes?
Wet ones.
“I love volcanoes,” Tom erupted.
What did the limestone say to the geologist?
Don’t take me for granite.
Why did you become a geologist?
I couldn’t play the guitar, but I still wanted to be a rock star.
What are the world’s three largest zones?
Arctic, Temperate, and Tow away.
A diamond is one of the hardest things on earth— to get back.
Where do rivers sleep?
In river beds.
Why couldn’t the geologist find a date?
He was always finding faults.
Water / Hydrology
Where did Albert Einstein keep his fish?
In a “think tank.”
MATH
What tool do you need in math?
Muli-pliers.
Student: How much is 5Q plus 5Q?
Teacher: 10Q.
Student: You’re welcome.
What did the number 0 say to the number 8?
Nice belt.
What did one math book say to the other?
Don’t bother me, I have my own problems.
How many sides does a box have?
Two, inside and outside.
An amoeba is a one celled organism that multiplies by dividing.
Combine three-sevenths of a chicken, two thirds of a cat, and a one half of a goat. What do you have?
Chicago.
If two is company and three is a crowd. What is four and five?
Nine.
Do mathematician’s plants have square roots?
MEASURING and COMPARING
Distance
How many feet are in a yard?
That depends on how big the yard is.
Temperature
How hot was it? It was so hot, we had to feed ice cream to the chickens so the eggs wouldn’t come out hard boiled.
Volume
When we go metric, will a pinch, a dab, a smidgen, and a dollop still be the same size?
Weight
What weighs the same no matter what size it is?
A hole.
What do you call a metric cookie?
A gram cracker.
PHYSICS / ENGINEERING / TECHNOLOGY
Why did the atom cross the road?
It was time to split.
Is it true that the law of gravity keeps us from falling off the Earth?
Yes, but I don’t know what we did before the law was passed.
Philosophy professor to scientist: “The road to success is paved with good intentions.”
Scientist: “Edison proved the road to success is paved with good inventions.”
Where does a computer keep its money?
In its memory bank.
What was the first meal requested by the robot powered by atomic energy?
Fission chips.